I write this blog, not because I think I have it all figured out, but because I believe I can only really help or serve by sharing what I go through and how I move through it. I believe I have something to offer not because I do everything right and have no problems, but because of all I’ve been through and continue to go through. Here is where I share what I’ve learned and the actualities of my life experience. Having said that, this week I am actually feeling terrified to share something of myself with you. However, I feel called to share it and I am listening to that inner guidance despite my fear. It’s raw and not pretty but it’s real and it is about what I have been moving through lately.
One of the ways I connect and listen for guidance and wisdom is through a process of written dialogue with God or my higher self (you can call it whatever you want). I write to God and then God writes back to me through me. I’m going to step way out on a vulnerable limb to share a recent dialogue I had with God in a moment of feeling pretty worn down. Here it is (GULP!):
Dear God,
I have issues. Like real and serious issues. With myself. I do things that I don’t even understand. I help other people understand and work through stuff like I have it together and I very much don’t. I very much am absolutely sick of the state of my life. Like, do you really hear me?! I’m fucking sick of the state of my life. I’m sick of struggling and of time after time of challenge after challenge. You want me to break down?! My whole life has been one big break down. But fine, no more whining about when my time will come. My time is now! I will break all the way down.
I will lay it all bare. I will not hide behind myself anymore.
You want me to reveal it all and risk the utter embarrassment of disillusion. I’m not that which I have made myself out to be. I know nothing as myself but when I lose myself and allow my Self to come out of hiding , then I know what you know. Sometimes I have to let the illusion strip itself as the smile leaves my face and pleasantries dissolve. There is darkness in there that hovers over my perfect spark of shimmer and glow. I admit it now, what I’m ashamed of. There are feelings of hate and anger so strong it makes me afraid and brave at the same time. I’m not that enlightened and that’s what I’m scared to say. I haven’t figured out how to live in peace among chaos, challenge, and humanness. I’m affected and lose center and I curse and I yell and I pray for You to clear my heart. I judge the ugliness of it all and claim myself inadequate on this quest to be the me that’s crying out from the depths of my being for release. This is it, I may never get all the way there. I want to be like them, the ones that love wide and dance openly with smiles that bubble up from deep wells of happiness. I’m not like them because I cry and I’m overwhelmed and sometimes everything seems hard. I want to live out of time and I want to be out of step with everyone but You. This is not fun and this is not pretty and sweet girls walking spiritual paths don’t use bad language or admit they have trouble forgiving. I’m unreconciled hoping one day I’ll be brought into balance. So, You want me to break all the way down until all my defenses are gone and all of my darkness has come to light and I can’t hide my bare naked soul any longer. Fine, I give it up, all of it. Now what?
Dear Khatija,
Now you gain your freedom, all of it. You’ve been in captivity so long you’re more afraid of your freedom than the comfort of your prison. This is the road to dissolution of the self that walks through the world believing she is actually part of the world. The world is an illusion and when you believe in it you become illusory as well. You forget the illusion is a creation of your own making which you can change at any time and you forget there is a permanence behind the illusion that remains constant no matter what form you take or what illusion you choose to believe in. Let it all go and be unafraid of lifting the veil completely. Let the curtain go up and stand in your glory. Your humanness will give way to a beauty and peace that will be all that anyone sees looking in your direction. Be willing to say and do the things that are 100% real and authentic without regard for how they are received. That is not your business. Your business is lifting from your heart every sheet of blackness that you’ve covered it with in your vain attempts to protect it. It needs no protecting. Be free.
This dialogue sparked a process of release that has been profound for me. It all happens within. There is nothing else really. It is just always a deeper level of unfolding, healing, and surrender.
I’ll leave you with that, and say that if you’d like to try the process for yourself, you might be surprised and amazed at what comes through for you. You don’t always need to talk to many people about your problems. Many times the answers are right there in a space within yourself which you can access any time you want. It just might be the best advice you’ll ever get.
P.S. My friend, Teri Jo Wheeler, taught me this process. Teri Jo is an awesome Soul Coach and you can check her out at www.soulutionsunlimited.com.
