Updated: May 22, 2020
I am always losing, or so it seems. It’s happening all the time. I talk a lot about loss and a lot of my work is predicated on the idea that loss is the path itself to freeing us. Even though it often does free us, we’re always trying our hardest to avoid losing.
Right now I’m experiencing loss. The loss of whatever was yesterday because it is not what is today. Everything is always changing and we equate change with loss. My kids are changing everyday and I feel that as a loss. They will never again be 2 or 4 and held in my arms and full of carefree innocence the way they were then. Every day my life changes in a myriad of ways. My relationship changes all the time, and I mourn the loss of the once magical connection that seemed so effortless, all the ways we once were with each other, all the ways in which this mystical love has become a lot harder to touch day-to-day. What it looks like now is different from what it once was. The relationship shifts and changes all the time and I find myself terrified of potentially losing it altogether, even if I were to know it would be a good change for us both.
My body is changing all the time too, and my friendships, and my emotions and all manner of things and experiences. Tiny little losses regularly. I notice there is so much resistance to all this loss. I feel it every time any of it pops into my awareness. I don’t want things to change. But it’s a mixed bag.
Take my body, for instance. I don’t want to get older ,and to see that reflected in my body which signals to me the loss of my youth. But I do love being older internally. I love being wiser and more comfortable in who I am. I love the strength I’ve developed through experience and the softer I get in my heart as I age.
My kids? I feel an ache every time I look at them or see an old photo and remember how they were when they were younger. Then I want to stop the time and I want to refuse to let them grow. But I do love the conversations we can now have because of the level of development they are in. I love the things we’re able to do together now that we couldn’t do before. I love their independence and seeing their unique self-expressions, the way they learn who they are and show that to the world.
The relationship? My heart breaks remembering all the precious moments that blossomed my heart and that grew me more into the woman I have always wanted to be. I find myself wanting to hold on at any cost and I feel my inner refusal to accept certain things. But I love knowing that in my blossoming I refined my desires and my intentions. I love knowing I am more ready to receive a life partner than I ever have and it is because of this experience. I love seeing how able I’ve been to open my heart bigger and wider. I love knowing how loved I’ve been by someone else’s heart.
So, what I’m learning is how to let myself lose. How to meet it and sink into it and find the glory in it, because there is always so much more to experience on the other side of it.