These last eight to nine months have been incredibly impactful and challenging in many ways. The last five years have actually been that way but it has intensified in these last eight to nine months as one thing after another keeps shaking things up. There is, at times in life, that destructive force that comes in and clears your life out of everything that is passable and that keeps you stuck where you are, and it has whirled its way through mine. When I use the term “forces of destruction” I mean it in the way that the Hindu Goddess Kali represents the cleansing away of the old in order to make way for new life in the natural cycles of birth, death, and rebirth.
The great Kali is loving as well as terrible. She seems terrible to the ego as she destroys the ego to love you forever. She is in fact the one that gives birth to all. Nothing ever existed without her will and nothing shall exist without her will. She destroys the army of mind born delusions and illusions. She strikes terror to our bound, limited and contracted ego. The ego trembles with fear and runs for shelter as it sees the coal-black, sword-wielding, blood-smeared dancer of death and destruction. But there is no escape. The ego will be destroyed to pieces. The ego will be totally consumed by the dark goddess. Once the ego dies there is rebirth in the form of the “divine self”. For some this happens in one lifetime and for some it may take many life times. The choice is within us to embrace the goddess now or run from her and eventually fall at her feet anyway. For the initiated, who have taken rebirth as the divine self, she appears as the supremely beautiful, beloved, dear spouse, performing a ballet of incomparable grace, overwhelming them with love. – Sanjay Nair
This level of ego destruction has been so potent as of late. Relationships, unhealthy fantasies I’d been holding on to, material possessions, car accident and intense physical pain, watching my mother decline physically and mentally after a stroke, intense and sad family turmoil, and more. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was in the middle of writing a blog post called “can you read the signs” when my house was broken into and my laptop was stolen along with all my jewelry and a few other items. You could say this was the straw that broke the camel’s back and finally woke me up to what my life has recently been trying to tell me. It had been trying to lead me into change and I had been resisting. I wasn’t listening but now I’m ready to listen and I AM listening.
Since the break in, I’ve come to realize one of the things I was being called to through all of these experiences is to do the inner work of finding a sense of safety from a deeper and higher place. That the physical world associated in many ways with the ego force does not offer me that, and if I am really to live the highest version of my life then I will need to let go of the false security of things in the physical world in exchange for the real security of knowing I can never be harmed on a soul or spirit level. I am also having to let go of sentimental attachments to things and people. Wanting to hold on to some misperception of others and not wanting to see and believe how others are showing up. I’m being forced to look and to see through my illusions to the truth of their inner state. I can’t hold my same perceptions of them anymore. I may now see their frailties but I also see their truthful divine beauty. Sometimes because they aren’t living from that truth, I am having to let those people and relationships go.
I’m being forced to let go more and more of all that I’ve held onto out of a need for security and a fear of change. I am going into a deeper level of letting the past go. When my mother became ill and I began caring for her, everything I held against her for so long washed away. All the ways I was keeping myself stuck by holding her wrong (all ego level stuff) for being a less than adequate mother became clear to me, and what I struggled to let go of for so long left swiftly and on its own.
I am having inklings that a creative phase is beginning. I was writing that blog about reading the signs but wasn’t fully understanding the signs in my own life. I had asked a long time ago to be guided into a more fuller expression of myself and to really living life from a place of total inner freedom. I wasn’t understanding that the Universe was guiding me through all of these experiences, and preparing me by cleansing me of all that doesn’t serve me in the highest vision of my life. Now, I’m reading the signs and looking at the big picture. I can see the bird’s eye view and understand there is no use in fighting to hold on as everything crumbles and my life goes through its clearing out process. It has to in order for new creation to unfold and for new life to be birthed. I’m seeing that in order for my life to move in to the vision I’ve held for it, a lot of the old had to be destroyed. A lot that I’d been holding onto had to be forced out of my grasp. Now I’m left realizing that I can’t be complacent. I can’t sit back waiting for something to change. I’m being asked to read the signs and know that change is calling me. It’s calling me to move in new directions. Its calling me to dig to places within myself that I haven’t been in touch with. I’d resigned myself to a lot of things out of laziness and an unspoken agreement to let settling be an option. But deep down settling for a “normal” or passable life will never okay with me. Not ever. So I’m paying attention to the signs that are guiding me to step out into new territory and out of my complacency and I’m doing things that scare the hell out of me. But I’m doing them anyway because my life is telling me that its time.
So, my perspective has changed and my resistance has given way to a surrender to the forces of destruction. I’m letting them have their way with my life gladly as I prepare for what is to come. As I practice this more and more, unexpected and magical things are beginning to unfold. More importantly, I’m feeling a steadiness, a patience, and a faith much deeper than I ever have.
If you’d like to take this journey with me and feel a deeper transformation is calling you, I am offering a group experience for women. The Inner Revolution Experience – A Women’s Collective will meet twice a month for four months and give you the opportunity to take your life to the next level through spiritual and core psychological work to uncover the truth of your expanded light and life that has always been there waiting to be unleashed. You can learn more on my events page.