I can have this tendency to sit in an incredible amount of judgment of my perceived weaknesses, flaws, and dark places. I know its precisely because I hold so much judgment that they tend to wreak a bit of havoc on my life and relationships. I’m ashamed of them because I feel I shouldn’t have them. It continues to be a challenge for me to integrate them into the wholeness of who I am. After all, they’re only parts of a personality that isn’t the truth of me. Beyond the good and bad, the light and dark, is just ME..an energy that holds no duality in its consciousness. It gets deeper, as I find myself in the throes of what I counsel others through. While you would think this would affirm I’m on the right track as someone who experiences what I help others understand about themselves, instead I feel a sense of shame. Then the overactive mind begins its onslaught of “why are you still going through this?, haven’t you changed YET?, you’re not worthy of teaching others anything, you’re not good enough because you can’t get this right, you should be all light now, no darkness, why are you so weak?” Oh, yeah, it goes on and on.
I find myself utterly frustrated in my lack of progress in curing myself of my perceived flaws. I wonder how to live with simultaneously espousing so many seeming opposites within myself. If I continue to hide them, they will continue to show up in ugly ways that lead me to more guilt, shame and judgment. There is a song I love, by Alannis Morissette, in which she very unabashedly gives a list of all of her sides, all of her weaknesses, and marvels at how the one who loves her is still there after seeing all of it. I always think she could be talking about a lover or she could be talking about God. It’s exactly the same. And if another, if God itself can love us this way then surely I can find a way to love ALL of me.
So I began thinking about myself in this way, and wondered if I could be as honest about my whole self. Could I be courageous enough to say, for example, that I am kind and loving but also very critical and sometimes just plain mean? Could I actually allow all the parts of myself to coexist without judgment, knowing that I am still lovable, as I allow those wounded places to heal? I’ve been working to integrate not only this understanding but also how to actually be with all parts of me in an honest way. Honest with myself and honest with others.
The song I was referring to by Alanis Morissette is called “Everything”. Watch the video here.