“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
I’ve become increasingly aware of my own resistance to life. I notice the whining and complaining that can get so bad I get sick of myself. I admit that I can be a big baby and convince myself that life is so hard and bemoan why I have to struggle so much with the life circumstances presented to me. I’m learning that I haven’t fully accepted that life will do what it will around me, circumstances will sometimes shake things up, and other people will bring my unhealed stuff to the surface through their interactions with me. It’s all perfect and everything and everyone is doing what they’re supposed to for my good, but I don’t like it one bit. I push at it, get angry, and wish it would go away and let me be at peace.
All of this pushing against what is, feeling so burdened, overwhelmed, and pissed off can create such a state of weariness that I end up feeling physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. Two things have come up for me around this state of being. One is that as much as I may hate it, this breaking down of my defenses and my ability to hold it all together is the only way to create a space inside where the Divine can flow through me. It’s a cracking open and a letting go and a surrender that lets the light in to clear out the darkness. It is exactly what I’ve been praying for, but I somehow thought it would happen in some pretty and effortless way. Real expansion and growth never happens that way.
The other thing that comes up is the realization that I am one hundred percent responsible for every life experience I have. I’ve asked for it in order to grow and expand so why I am bitching and complaining about it, finding others to commiserate with and validate my whining point of view? All that does is serve to keep me from getting out of the experience what I need to for my own expansion. Do I need to express and emote? Yes. Do I need to retell the story a hundred times to various other people to get their sympathy and validate that I am a victim? No.
What I need to do is allow myself to be cracked open and broken down. The self that is being broken down isn’t the true, permanent and eternal part of me. It’s the self that is keeping that true Self from being able to get out and live in full expression. I’ve been so angry at what seems to be the unfair circumstances I find myself in, and isn’t it so easy to blame those things outside of myself which I can’t control for the state of my life? It is, but it is so disempowering and so so tiring. All the power is in letting go on such a deep level that the realization really is that nothing matters except that I am open enough for the greater purpose of my life to come through me. All else is just a means to get there, to live from the greatest sense of freedom and to be totally attuned to the highest part of me.
And all that shows up is my means to get there. So, what if I took a radically different approach and loved it all knowing that it is exactly what I need? I love Byron Katie’s work and her approach to looking at our lives and this idea of loving what is. Can I love the people that seemingly irritate me and the hardships that show up and all the responsibility and on and on.. Can I love it all for helping me to chip away at the protective seal I’ve had around my heart and open up deeper and bigger and wider. The alternative of whining about how hard it all is can be such a sneaky way for me to avoid responsibility for my own life and for my own state of consciousness. Can I let everyone off the hook that I’m holding something against? Can I let myself off the hook for every way I judge myself as not living up to all these superhuman expectations I have? Can I stop blaming external circumstances for the state of my emotional life and for my inability to create the life I desire?
I would have to if I wanted to truly get my heart’s desire…freedom. I talk a lot about freedom because it’s my absolute aim in life. Total inner freedom, and when you pray for something like that and make it your intention then watch out because life will give you all manner of experiences to make sure you achieve it. In that case, I should be thanking everything that shows up because if I am conscious enough and alert enough I will see it for what it is. I will lay down my resistance and allow it to wear down my defenses that keep me locked up within. I know I am on my way as I notice myself unable to stop my heart from being moved and touched in deep places until I’m overflowing and I can’t hold back tears and I don’t care that I’m in public and others might be wondering what is wrong with me. I’m learning not to care because an undefended heart is a free heart.
So, when I get to that weary moment where it all seems too much and find myself in resistance to life, I will let myself go. I will feel, cry, pray and do my best to give it all up to a higher knowing that I don’t have the answers and I don’t need to figure it all out or keep it all together. I will ask to use it all to gain my freedom. I will stop trying to figure out how to fix things or make them different. I will just relax into what is and learn to thank it all for showing up too. For rubbing up against me and poking at me until I lose my mind a little and find my heart a little more.