Why and how did I end up right back in that same behavior pattern before I even knew I was doing it? I always think I’m doing better and I’ve really kicked that habit and then I’m doing it and caught up in it before I’ve even realized it. Thank God some others pointed it out to me in a way that I could hear. They really saw what I was doing and when they reflected it back to me, it sat in my heart as the truth. I had been in so much struggle inside because of feeling that I wasn’t being true with myself and I wasn’t doing what was in alignment for me. So what was the pattern? It was that I’d given my power away yet again. I’d taken crumbs and called it a sandwich and then wondered why I felt malnourished.
No one else should ever be in control of the direction of my life and no one ever is until I give my power to them, usually unbeknownst to them. It’s insidious how our shadow can have us doing things that we don’t even know we’re doing. It’s sly, that part of ourselves that hides the dark feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing while we walk around the world like we’ve got it going on and are full of self-confidence. Then it sneaks out when we are least aware and acts out those behavior patterns that get us in trouble every time.
For me, this pattern of giving my power away and acting out deep feelings of unworthiness shows itself as feeling like any little bit of something I really want is the greatest thing ever without seeing that I deserve the entirety of the Universe. It’s like being happy with a drop of water when the ocean is at your feet and saying, “no, no, it’s okay I’ll do my best to bathe in this tiny drop of water because you were so kind as to spray it at me as you crashed your wave onto the shore. I won’t ask for more.” This is the scared and sad little girl who never got much attention, affection or love and craved it deeply. Whenever some would come my way from those who raised me, I tried to live off of it as long as I could. Now, I have to often watch as that little girl comes forward and takes over my very adult life. I am teaching her that there is no need to worry about there not being enough love for us and reassuring her that we are worth boundless amounts of love and that we are boundless love. We are learning together that it is impossible to feel unworthy of what we innately are: infinite abundance of the substance that is everything and in between everything. Everything we want we already are and there is no need to beg for scraps.
No one taught that little girl so now I’m teaching her so that she doesn’t have to hide in the shadows acting out her needs and wants in childish ways. There comes a time when we must grow those parts of ourselves up which have remained stuck in unmet childhood needs. We must give ourselves what we never received and teach ourselves the truth to replace the interpretations we made due to our caregivers’ shortcomings. Everything we made into a personal message about ourselves was not personal, but the mistakes of those who did not know how to do better.
If there is a negative pattern you find yourself repeating that is so subconsciously embedded, ask to bring it to the light of your conscious awareness so that each instance it does, you have the opportunity to shine the truth on it. Pay attention to the little one in you who is acting out those patterns and love him or her enough to say that you know better now and you will guide behavior from the highest and most conscious aspects of yourself.
Layer by layer we get freer and freer.